Healing Focused Memories

 Today is February 18th, 2022 and I am currently chronicling  as many positive events as I can recall,  The event I decided to start with will be those involving nature.  It is my intention to allow this venture to aid in my healing from many past traumas.  Prior to this point, I have been writing these memories in a journal.  I have also used notebooks.  The trouble with these methods is that journals get misplaced and notebooks seem too impersonal. 

Since, I have rightly written down many of the traumatic things inflicted on me in my past, I want to rejuvenate as much as possible in bringing to mind the healing power of nature.  On Wednesday, of this week, following a physical therapy appointment I went for a massage,  The massage location I selected is in the same mall as the therapist.  Wednesday was my second visit to this particular massage parlor and the experience was not as rewarding as my first.  In the same area there is another massage parlor which also offers: facials, manicures, pedicures, and has a much more impressive facade.  I had passed this parlor up reasoning that it would be much more expensive than the one previously chosen.  Yet because I was displeased with the received massage, I decided to inquire about the prices of the second place.

The second location had much more room and staff.  The person who approached me spoke little English but he did get his point across.  Since I had just received a massage, I only wanted a price he stated that the person who gives the massages would tell me,  I told him that I would return next week and left the parlor.  Leaving there, I went for coffee and when returning to the place where I would be picked up by the ride service I used, again I passed the day spa and on the second trip I took notice of some Aloe Vera plants seated near the spa"s interior window.  I entered the spa for the second time and asked if I could take a picture of the plants.  Smiling widely, one of the technicians said a friendly, "yes."  As I used my iPhone to take a few photos of the plants another technician came up and started a conversation about the plants.  She like the gentlemen who had greeted me earlier, the ladies English was challenging to understand.

Well,  I took a few photos of the Aloe Vera plants and realized as I compared the photos to the Aloe Vera plant that I had at home that I had captured part of the Wednesday February 16th, 2022 forever.  The interactions between myself the staff at the spa and the prickly plants were now apart of my focused positive memories.     

Badgered

 Sura 55:13 Then which of the favours of your Lord will ye deny

As a Mk-Ultra survivor I often contemplate or question if an action of mine is due too having injuries resulting from the treatments of an governmental experimentation object or if my behavioral action are projections of who I am innately.  This may be an contradiction in terms but without having an expert in the behavioral to consult, I am at a considerable disadvantage.  

Currently, I am living with my daughter and her two children ages six and thirteen>  Last weekend they went away for a weekend trip.  While they were gone, I took the quiet time and  completely cleaned several rooms of the house the kitchen being one of focus.  Daily cleaning does not address the cleaning of the refrigerator, mopping the floor, arranging the spices in the rack and other chores not address daily.  When my daughter and her children returned Monday evening I had already retired for the day.  When I got up on Tuesday morning I went into the kitchen to make my morning coffee, finding on my arrival dishes with unfinished food on plates left on the kitchen table and counters.  Dished in the sink where there were none the night before and other items of disarray.

Recently, I have been having problems with high blood pressure.  My daughter had to take me to an emergency service facility just a week or so ago so she is very well aware of my health concerns yet the common courtesy of making sure the kitchen remained in the state in which it was found was not adhered. 

Too often, I let such action go unvoiced by me.  I know in doing this I do both my daughter and myself a great injustice. The little of the behavior I remember of myself prior to unnecessary electric shock treatments and other unknow medical horrors, I did not allow myself to be trampled upon.  I think I respect and value who I am but that fact could be proven by my behavior where acceptance of rude and cruel behaviors of others is concerned.  I attempted to address my suppressed memories and other issues of MK-Ultra injuries with a medical person.  I hesitate to say medical professional as that fact was unseen by me.  What I encountered rather than a knowledgeable compassionate professional was an arrogant, presumptuous individual whose piece of paper otherwise call a diploma made his too quick to make diagnosis acceptable.  I was informed by this pharmaceutical employee that if I would not go on medication that he would not accept me as a patient.  How horrifying is the double exploitation.  How unbelievably cruel.         

The Serrated Stone of Lost Belonging

Sura:94: The Expansion

Have We not expended for you your breast,
And eased you of burden,
Which weighed so heavily on your,
back?
And have We not exalted for you
your renown?
Then surely with hardship comes
ease.
Surely with hardship comes ease.
Therefore, when you are free from one task, resume another task.
Ans seek and strive to please your
Lord.

I have neglected posting on this blog and consequently therein also neglected variant components of self.  As a survivor, the necessity of externalizing penned emotions is crucial in order to heal.  When repetitive thoughts of the perpetrators' abuses are the dominant focus of your day too much positive energy is drained from the body, the mind and the day; consequently again yielding control of ones' vibrancy to the perpetrator. When you walk pass a beautiful flower and the sight and scent of one of nature's most magnificent wonders goes unnoticed the survivors is denying self. As I stated in an earlier post, I am going to start putting excerpts from my novel in this post.  It is still very emotional for me to edit and read some of my novel which can invokes unhealed traumas.   Nevertheless, stagnation suffocates the ability to move forward and live a full and productive life. Sometimes, painful emotions emerge more when I read my journal writings consequently, personally, giving life to the words of my novel. In any event one page of the novel follows.  I am not  going to give an explanation or set-up the page.  The words and action on the page should convey the essence in themselves. Here it goes:

From the Broken Glass to the Sheet of Ice Page 19 
   
     The next time Aleah  awaken, the horrid incident which involved the broken soda bottle intentionally placed in her running path did not come to mind. Rather, on this morning which was presumed to have  followed the previous night, the first lingered thought to penetrate the spirit of this forlorn child was the image of a pair of pink shippers.

     Within the first few seconds of predawn, Aleah momentarily felt herself cloistered in the stabilizing security of her own loving family.  Maintained temporarily with the emerging backdrop of early morn was interlaced her true identity. While clutch in the subconscious jewels of semi-alertness, the gentle child remembered the experience of receiving parental care.  Cradled within the mystical arms of the sacrosanctity of initial light, there was no reason to yearn for the sound of her mother's voice.  The first rays of daylight had not yet awaken the harsh trauma of her abduction. At this early hour, loneliness did not hover like pernicious smoke nor did the serrated stone of lost belongings.

     Yawning in a mantle of sleepiness, Aleah released an inward howl, mother, mother was the repeated mental cry.  Then, like an abrupt surge of noxious fumes, she became suddenly awareness that in this place of barren walls and rug less floors, there would be no pink slippers.

     Yet for a moment while wavering between flexing states, Aleah awaited her mother's strong embrace and loving smile.  During these precious semi-lucid seconds, Aleah remembered her mother's mimicking gestures as she imitated her child's every stretch and yawn.

"From the Broken Glass to the Sheet of Ice."  Page 20

     Aleah attempting to maintain her nurturing memories produced mental archives of the past.  Unlike sticky cotton candy or melting chocolate, her cherished memories instilled more than temporary pleasures,.  Indeed, these priceless recollections developed into an inexplicable of emotional safety for this captured child.

     In the earliest period of predawn, Aleah did not suffer the affects of the captors' rudeness nor were her every actions critically scrutinized. 

     Unfortunately, for Aleah the mornings of private moments were very rare. Often sleeping past dawn her mornings would begin with intrusions into the room where she slept.  A door kicked opened, books intentionally dropped, balls repeatedly bounced, paper bags exploring, balloons loud popped, dresser drawers opening and closing, these were the sounds which introduced her to a new day. 
     Giggles and snickers from the children of the household would soon follow, "Wow, whatever those men give that girl to make her sleep like that must really be strong.  How can she not wake up after all that noise?"

     "Did her eye balls move any while we were making so much noise? One of the children asked. "The men said we are to see if her eye balls move any while we are making noise.  When her eyes are closed if there is movement under the closed lids, she might be waking up". 


     Today is June 12th, 2020, seventeen days after the death of an unarmed Black Afro-American man at the hands of four Minnesota police officers.  George Floyd is the name of the man who pleaded for his life while his hands were handcuffed behind his back, laying on the unsanitary concrete ground with one of the four police officers' knee on his air way; causing asphyxiation and of course death.

     I haven't previously posted news events on this site but the horrid criminal death of this father, this brother, this friend deserves acknowledgement.

     When an ideology, a philosophy, a creed, a powerful political self-interest usurps the value and identity of a single individual the whole of humanity is weakened.  As a survivor of an ideology whose political self- interest justified the dissipation of my civil rights, my human rights, my legal rights, my spiritual rights, and my sacred footprint, it is impossible for me to comprehend how it is not understood that when a butterfly flaps it's wings in China the vibrations reach New York.


From the Broken Glass to the Sheet of Ice Page 24

     An amateur harpsichordist, Aleah's mother played and listened to music throughout the day. Yet, when she woke that fact was not recalled.  The evenings in her home were often filled with her father's musical passion that being classical  Spanish guitar.  Ravel's rendition of Bolero was practically a daily experience in this home where music seemed as essential as linen table napkins and freshly cut flowers.

     No, instead, in this forcefully transplanted existence, there were no sounds of classical music, no sharing of pomegranates, nor the scents of sachets of potpourri contained within every opened bureau drawer. 

     As her petite legs continued to dangle between mattress and floor, again she realized there were no slippers, Aleah placed her bare feet on the cold uncovered floor.

Astonishment

Qur'an Sura18:105

They are those who deny
The Signs of their Lord
And the fact of their
Having to meet Him
'vain will be their works,
Nor shall We, on the Day
Of Judgment, give the
Any Weight.

Note 2451
False motives, pretense, deception and hypocrisy, flourish because people do not take the higher life seriously.  In effect they treat it s jest. Signs and Messengers are sent as a special and personal Mercy from God.

The few follower I have suggested that I post on my blog more often.  I completely agree with this urging and have decided only to place excerpt from my novel on this site but also excerpt from my journals.  As I travel through my thoughts and mood via my journals, we shall learn together the honesty of unfiltered introspective.

September 9th, 2009

Today once again I am taking action where it comes to facing the tragedies of my life.  I am on my way to England where I pray I will be able to get legal and medical assistance.  As I am packing, unpacking and repacking. I make sure that I have the phone number of the medical facility the helps survivors of torture.  It amazes me how the causes of today's global unrest are not tracked to their roots.  Instilled within the properties of societal manipulation are hatred, racism, classicism, and a multitude of  lurid and diabolical projects such as Mk-Ultra.   

The invisibility of Injustice

"The difficulties of winter and autumn,      
                the heat of summer,
          spring like the spirit of life,
winds, and clouds and the lightening-all these
           help to make distinctions clear:
               so the dust-colored earth
        may bring forth all it holds in its heart,
                    whether ruby or dull stone."
                  Written  by Jula'lu'ddin Ru'mi'

I may have used this quote by Rumi prior in this blog but the contents of this saying in my perspective is so profound that a repeat performance is apropos.  I titled this post: (The Invisibility of Injustice),  which in many ways appears to be factual.  For example, in recent years, due to the development of the technology of modern DNA testing, a substantial number of men have been released from years of wrongful incarceration having been proven innocent of rape charges as a outcome of DNA testing.

If one were to endeavor to collect the data which would document the number of men proven innocent and then released from prison,  Then, too collectively calculate the number of years these men spend away from freedom, the invisibility of injustice could at least begin to take on a statistical formation.

Today, October nineteenth two thousand sixteen, I had an appointment with a doctor for the purpose and hope that he could medically help me regain my memory.  In the session, I briefly explained why I was seeking his assistance and what I wanted from the sessions.  

This blog has been a method for me to expose what has happened to me and for me to release some of the internal emotions which have for too long been pinned.  After this first session, I think that what the intake doctor suggested, that frequent visit with a profession therapist would be of benefit where recovering my memory is concerned.

I was a little unsettled when I first left the doctor's office.  I felt disoriented, having to concentrate on my surroundings so that I wouldn't walk into things.  My first stop once leaving the office was to Starbucks.  I visit this particular Starbucks often, although most of the time I go through the drive-through.  Today, I decided that I needed the short walk from my car to the interior of the coffee shop as I needed to become more grounded.   Oddly, my first thought when I entered the building is that it somehow looked different.  I asked the person who took my order had they done something new to the place.  She looked confused since I had seen her only a few days prior.  She never really answered me but I know that nothing new had been added to the place nor had anything been taken away. This same frequently visited establishment looked fresher, wider, brighter.

I will of course continue my sessions even though at this moment I feel like someone is using a old model can-opener with its serrated invasion onto the exterior and interior of my being.  Mentally, I can see the pointed sharp blade of the opener piercing the thin tin can with the objective of getting to the contents within the can.  The razor jagged wedges are dangerous to the touch but essential for releasing the what is within the can.

Injustice itself can not been seen by the naked eye, yet its effects upon society become more visible each day.  

As I prepare myself to undertake possibly one of the most difficult ventures of my life, I pray that the ultimate success brings hope and peace to others as well.
  
    

The Stolen Diary

With Him are the keys of the Unseen, the treasures that none knows but He.  He knows whatever there is on the earth and in the sea.  Not a leaf does fall but with His knowledge; there is not a grain in the darkness of the earth, nor anything fresh or dry but is in a Record clear.  It is He who does take your soul by night, and has knowledge of all that you have done by day; by day does He raise you up again; that a term appointed be fulfilled; in the end unto Him will be your return; then will He show you the truth of all that you did. 
Noble Qur'an  Vl:59-60


The techniques implemented to traumatized a Mk-Ultra subject especially when the subject is a child transmit long lasting effect upon the survivor.  Mental constrictions occur when one attempts to remember an event so horrifying that in the moment of the event a mental showdown cloaks the piercing reality. Once clothed in a state of emotional shock reality's perception becomes distorted leaving specific details of a situation wavy, blurred, nauseating.

Did Freddie Mae, run to the address of 4719 Kensington Place that day, or did she walk?  I think the fear on my face may have caused her to run.  How soon after her sprint did I enter the house.  How could she?  I pondered as I snailed my way to the house?  After all the difficult she and her husband experienced prior to having a full termed birth. After all, the baby is only three month.

Faith?  How far can it take us?  Freddie Mae's belief and desire for a child propelled her into an action which was most definitely a leap.  She had a discussion with her minister.  She made the decision that she should respect his advise.  She crossed the street one summer day grabbed my arm and stated, "Don't be afraid.  Don't think me stupid or foolish.  This is what my pastor told me to do and at this point, I have nothing to loose and so much to gain.  My pastor told me to touch some part of your body and to pray"  Nine months or near the ninth month later a healthy baby girl was born this is wanting couple.  Some three months after the birth the child was murdered.  A statement was made prior to the diabolical act that they did not want anyone with any spiritual acumen to have a positive high profile in that decade or for decades to come. One of the consequences of this sinister decision was the killing of a child.  The child seem a easy sacrifice for the Lucifer agenda.

When I arrived at the location of 4719 Kensington Place the day when Freddie Mae grabbed my arm and prayed,  I did place the state of my confusing and hopes in a journal, a diary, a sheet of loose leaf, or a ripped page from a spiral.  With there being no one  in my life I could talk with concerning the spiritual phenomena, supernatural activities, or whatever the appropriate word or phrase needed to describe the valuable and venerable position, I as a child had been placed; I had to turn to expressing my felling in writings.

Once I arrive in the house on the day Freddie and Luther child viciously murdered, I remember seeing Freddie pleading with someone not to hurt her child.  Two men both member of organized crime attempted with powerful physical force to cause me to puncture the soft spot in the infant's head.  One of the men grabbed my wrist while pushing my middle finger in a downward position.  At first the men attempted to cajole me making statement like, putting a  hole in the baby's head will be fun and good for the baby.  Puncturing the soft spot in the baby's scalp will make the baby happy.   Other things were said that awful day, other terrifying things were done, but the combined strength of two grown men did not prevail where I was concerned, but these men were able to execute their plan via the finger of another child.

The written words which question, what happened yesterday?  What can't I remember?  Why is the neighborhood suddenly so quiet, and sad?

Whatever other sentiments or questions I expressed in my daily writings I do not know as my writings were stolen from me just as many years of my life.  As I struggle to reconnect with life's purpose, some of my confusion and uncertainly come out through writings.  When I wrote the phrase, "Empty volatile fools they be, dancing outside of destiny," I hadn't remember at that writing what had happened to Freddie Mae's daughter.  Yet. some minute traces of a seemingly forgotten experience oozed.

Sometime after the horrifying day of the baby's murder, Freddie again crossed the street this time to state to me that she was putting her life in her hands by telling me that someone was going to try and convince me that I had something to do with her daughter's death but that I was not to believe the,  Freddie further stated that she was in the house, in the room when the murder took place and that the two grown men forced one of the other children to kill her child.

Even today, many years later, I don't know if it was a state of shock or some of the manipulative actions of Mk-Ultra which caused me to forget that brutally inhumane day for so many years.