Nostalgia Two

 As I journey through the gracefulness of aging, I find that politeness can be a form of avoidance. When I heard the phrase with a surprising tone, "Wow! "You look good for your age. "I often politely reply, "thanks" when in reality I wonder if I should really be insulted or annoyed.  Although, I know the person emitting the remarks means them as a compliment, there is a bit of condescending undertone.  After all why not just say, you look good today, or something like you must really take good care of your health.  You must exercise often.

Perhaps us maturing adults, should publish articles and pamphlets indicating the conversational etiquette which should be used when attempting to compliment a person of advancing age.

Still, I must admit that when I look into the mirror first thing in the morning, I wish my first thought would be something like that you look good for your age.  Or perhaps something like, not so bad.  No instead, the mental stream which goes more like, are there any physically recognizable features left of that thirty year old? Should I use more retinol?   Is cold-pressed black cumin seed oil really beneficial and should I consult my physician before starting to use it?   

I lift my eyebrows very high toward my hairline and do several extreme versions of facial yoga.  The fish-face exercise is a favorite.  You know the one where you raise your eyebrows upward, your jaw is lowered, your lips structuring the design of a fish stretching its mouth in a wide oval shape. And of course, there is the one where you fill your mouth with air and move your cheeks from side-to-side in an attempt to strengthen the facial muscles while reducing the frown lines.   

OH! Well!  Let's get out of this state of insignificant vanity and start the morning grooming, especially since a freshly completed shower and the lowering of the body from the midriff to brush the hair produces more facial vitality.   

Look deeper, whispered that perceptive inner voice, the hairline is thinning but your character is not.  With age for some reason the nose grows larger but also does your sense of patience and consideration.  Your kindness did not leave you and you still have a strong capacity to love.  

Remember the time when you attended the orchid show at the botanical garden and was mesmerized by their variety and beauty.  Or the time at the art museum  when you were so enthralled with a Claude Monet painting that you felt as if you were standing in his garden with him and he offered you some tea. And you will never forget the total awe experienced the day you visited the Canterbury Cathedral in Kent, England.  The massive size of the interior of that cathedral was breathtaking and humbling. And I know that you recall attending a violin concert by a noted European violinist whose name I have forgotten but I have not forgotten the fact that his brilliant performance brought tears to my eyes.

Realistically, if I spent too much time criticizing the inevitable changes of aging and not reflect on the contributions I made in the lives of others or the volunteerism or the hours of listening to classical music or the sheer appreciation of the beauty of nature,  I am when taking away some of the most precious gifts given in the forms of grace.   

 

Nostalgia

 As nostalgia involuntarily meanders through my ethos, I question how it seems that one day I was playing games like hop-scotch, hide and seek, jacks, and kick-the-can than several seconds later my doctor is  making statements like at your age you should expected certain changes in your skin.

Does expecting changes in my skin mean that I should expect teenage white heads, occasional pimples and should I go out and buy some Clearasil?   

I can now certainly see the benefit of my subscription to the, (Massachusetts General Hospital Newsletter), as it recommended the use of salicylic acid for maturing skin.  My physician's comment was void of any recommendations or suggestions.  If a  person that is a few decades passed forty does that make their vanity concerns less valid?  As one, if I am being honest, who is actually three decades past forty, I certainly don't want to look in the mirror in the morning and see a protruding white blotch in the middle of my forehead.  

In witnessing a whitehead, I may not have experienced the teenage devastation and drama, but I must confess that I find the conspicuous white blotch unattractive and physically disturbing. Perhaps I misunderstood the doctor, my thirty year junior, and maybe she was not being nonchalant, dismissive or indifferent.  It might have just been that she could not equate with why the blotch mattered to me.  My math was a little off a few sentences ago, the correction is that she is (my forty junior).

The games we children played in our early years were actually building our physical agility and strength.  The  challenges of playing Double-Dutch, the leg muscle building of bike riding, and why do children prefer running to walking?

As a child , I was fascinated by ladybugs.  Those tiny creatures with the red body speckled with black spots.  I often used an index card so that the bug would crawl on it then I would allow the lady to walk onto the back of my hand, all the while being completely in awe.  I never understood the rhyme,  "    Ladybug, Ladybug, fly away home, your house is on fire and your children all burn." I learned today that the rhyme is,  "an illusion to the practice of farmers burning their fields after the harvest."

Ladybug, ladybug is also considered a chant to send on its way. The ladybug beetle is helpful to farmers by reducing the number of harmful larvae and insects on crops. In certain parts of the English-speaking world, farmers chanted right before and they burned their fields after harvest.  " Ladybug ladybug, fly away home/ Your house is on fire, your children alone (or your children are gone).  Some people still recite the verse when a ladybug lands on them and before gently flicking the insect off of them, because swatting a ladybug is considered very bad luck.  ( Information regarding the history of the Ladybug rhyme was collected from, ("The Webmaster's page").

  

The Audacity of Arrogance

Sura 34:38

Those who strive against Our Signs, to frustrate them, will be given over into Chastisement.

When a person or a community of people experiences systemic exploitations which too often are justified within the pretentious clock of patriotism, rather realized or not, they are not alone. 

A squash insect reduces the potency of its species' purpose. ""The earthworm has an important role in the ecosystem through enhancing decomposition of soils. The honey bees cross-pollination are essential for  

the germination of plants, (pthomeandgarden.com)." The magnificent and exceptional contributions given to the sustainability of humankind by such minute creatures as earthworms and honey bees are undeniable,  consequently how can the dignity and purpose of even one human being be dimensions, dissipated or ignored under the umbrella of governmental self-interest.   

While a visitor at a mosque in Birmingham, England, the Imam made a statement which was significantly impacted by the path of supplication.  The cleric mention that it is selfish to pray only for ourselves.  When us finite, healing human beings, enter into prayer often our emotional scars are being felt.  We go into prayer asking our Creator for comfort, guidance and strength.  When an individual has suffered excruciating physical and emotional pain, often these experiences are endured alone.  Therein, it is understandable that a request for help would travel a singular path.  I never prior to Birmingham considered my prayers non-inclusive or shallow.  Yet, now, when I submit my invocations, the Uighurs of China are included, the suffering Muslims of India, the innocent inmates of Guantanamo Bay, the raped victim, the neglected and abused child, the homeless, the misunderstood mentally ill.  the multitudes not mentions here and those unknown to me are included now in my prayers.

Almighty Source, we humbly implore You to manifest Your Compassion, Kindness, Mercy and Healing Powers upon the suffering masses within humankind.  Magnify Your powerful Graces whereas they may be experienced. felt, realized and absorbed.   .

I respectfully request Your Guidance and Clarity from the bewildered state which hinders my spiritual energy while stagnating my hope.  The unhealed mental and emotional lacerations suffocate. I don't remember my biological mother's name but I remember the coercive words when shown a picture of my mother contained in a family heirloom locket, "if you tell we will kill your mother."  

The Invisible Unknown

 Sura 113:1:5  "I seek refuge in the Lord of daybreak. And from the evil of the envious one when he envies."

Humanity is entangled within an invisible unknown which is siphoning intellectual, spiritual, and psychological vitality.  The arrogant entity which cannot create anything is attempting to control everything.  The Magnificent, the Volume which has no beginning nor end; is either being commercialized, or minimized in modern day madness.   Wealth, power, yachts, greed, all the things the self-assumed hoarders ravish and collect; end in massive wads of nothingness full of emptiness, as these material things do not fit in a grave,

I recently attended a tribute to the Persian poet Jalal-al-Din Muhammad Rumi.  One of the distinguished guest speakers surprisingly knew who I was.  When the informative lectures ended,the Middle Eastern gentleman knew who I was walking up to me advising that I should write on my blog more often.

I did not immediately take his advice but weeks later when I was approached by a reporter for an interview, I realized that there is an interest in my story.   I put in an email to a friend a few days ago that a survivor, a person who has been exploited should not go silently into their own humiliation and destruction: but instead, they should scream, yell, making a great deal of noise regarding the injustice they have been subjected. 

Healing Focused Memories

 Today is February 18th, 2022 and I am currently chronicling  as many positive events as I can recall,  The event I decided to start with will be those involving nature.  It is my intention to allow this venture to aid in my healing from many past traumas.  Prior to this point, I have been writing these memories in a journal.  I have also used notebooks.  The trouble with these methods is that journals get misplaced and notebooks seem too impersonal. 

Since, I have rightly written down many of the traumatic things inflicted on me in my past, I want to rejuvenate as much as possible in bringing to mind the healing power of nature.  On Wednesday, of this week, following a physical therapy appointment I went for a massage,  The massage location I selected is in the same mall as the therapist.  Wednesday was my second visit to this particular massage parlor and the experience was not as rewarding as my first.  In the same area there is another massage parlor which also offers: facials, manicures, pedicures, and has a much more impressive facade.  I had passed this parlor up reasoning that it would be much more expensive than the one previously chosen.  Yet because I was displeased with the received massage, I decided to inquire about the prices of the second place.

The second location had much more room and staff.  The person who approached me spoke little English but he did get his point across.  Since I had just received a massage, I only wanted a price he stated that the person who gives the massages would tell me,  I told him that I would return next week and left the parlor.  Leaving there, I went for coffee and when returning to the place where I would be picked up by the ride service I used, again I passed the day spa and on the second trip I took notice of some Aloe Vera plants seated near the spa"s interior window.  I entered the spa for the second time and asked if I could take a picture of the plants.  Smiling widely, one of the technicians said a friendly, "yes."  As I used my iPhone to take a few photos of the plants another technician came up and started a conversation about the plants.  She like the gentlemen who had greeted me earlier, the ladies English was challenging to understand.

Well,  I took a few photos of the Aloe Vera plants and realized as I compared the photos to the Aloe Vera plant that I had at home that I had captured part of the Wednesday February 16th, 2022 forever.  The interactions between myself the staff at the spa and the prickly plants were now apart of my focused positive memories.     

Badgered

 Sura 55:13 Then which of the favours of your Lord will ye deny

As a Mk-Ultra survivor I often contemplate or question if an action of mine is due too having injuries resulting from the treatments of an governmental experimentation object or if my behavioral action are projections of who I am innately.  This may be an contradiction in terms but without having an expert in the behavioral to consult, I am at a considerable disadvantage.  

Currently, I am living with my daughter and her two children ages six and thirteen>  Last weekend they went away for a weekend trip.  While they were gone, I took the quiet time and  completely cleaned several rooms of the house the kitchen being one of focus.  Daily cleaning does not address the cleaning of the refrigerator, mopping the floor, arranging the spices in the rack and other chores not address daily.  When my daughter and her children returned Monday evening I had already retired for the day.  When I got up on Tuesday morning I went into the kitchen to make my morning coffee, finding on my arrival dishes with unfinished food on plates left on the kitchen table and counters.  Dished in the sink where there were none the night before and other items of disarray.

Recently, I have been having problems with high blood pressure.  My daughter had to take me to an emergency service facility just a week or so ago so she is very well aware of my health concerns yet the common courtesy of making sure the kitchen remained in the state in which it was found was not adhered. 

Too often, I let such action go unvoiced by me.  I know in doing this I do both my daughter and myself a great injustice. The little of the behavior I remember of myself prior to unnecessary electric shock treatments and other unknow medical horrors, I did not allow myself to be trampled upon.  I think I respect and value who I am but that fact could be proven by my behavior where acceptance of rude and cruel behaviors of others is concerned.  I attempted to address my suppressed memories and other issues of MK-Ultra injuries with a medical person.  I hesitate to say medical professional as that fact was unseen by me.  What I encountered rather than a knowledgeable compassionate professional was an arrogant, presumptuous individual whose piece of paper otherwise call a diploma made his too quick to make diagnosis acceptable.  I was informed by this pharmaceutical employee that if I would not go on medication that he would not accept me as a patient.  How horrifying is the double exploitation.  How unbelievably cruel.         

The Serrated Stone of Lost Belonging

Sura:94: The Expansion

Have We not expended for you your breast,
And eased you of burden,
Which weighed so heavily on your,
back?
And have We not exalted for you
your renown?
Then surely with hardship comes
ease.
Surely with hardship comes ease.
Therefore, when you are free from one task, resume another task.
Ans seek and strive to please your
Lord.

I have neglected posting on this blog and consequently therein also neglected variant components of self.  As a survivor, the necessity of externalizing penned emotions is crucial in order to heal.  When repetitive thoughts of the perpetrators' abuses are the dominant focus of your day too much positive energy is drained from the body, the mind and the day; consequently again yielding control of ones' vibrancy to the perpetrator. When you walk pass a beautiful flower and the sight and scent of one of nature's most magnificent wonders goes unnoticed the survivors is denying self. As I stated in an earlier post, I am going to start putting excerpts from my novel in this post.  It is still very emotional for me to edit and read some of my novel which can invokes unhealed traumas.   Nevertheless, stagnation suffocates the ability to move forward and live a full and productive life. Sometimes, painful emotions emerge more when I read my journal writings consequently, personally, giving life to the words of my novel. In any event one page of the novel follows.  I am not  going to give an explanation or set-up the page.  The words and action on the page should convey the essence in themselves. Here it goes:

From the Broken Glass to the Sheet of Ice Page 19 
   
     The next time Aleah  awaken, the horrid incident which involved the broken soda bottle intentionally placed in her running path did not come to mind. Rather, on this morning which was presumed to have  followed the previous night, the first lingered thought to penetrate the spirit of this forlorn child was the image of a pair of pink shippers.

     Within the first few seconds of predawn, Aleah momentarily felt herself cloistered in the stabilizing security of her own loving family.  Maintained temporarily with the emerging backdrop of early morn was interlaced her true identity. While clutch in the subconscious jewels of semi-alertness, the gentle child remembered the experience of receiving parental care.  Cradled within the mystical arms of the sacrosanctity of initial light, there was no reason to yearn for the sound of her mother's voice.  The first rays of daylight had not yet awaken the harsh trauma of her abduction. At this early hour, loneliness did not hover like pernicious smoke nor did the serrated stone of lost belongings.

     Yawning in a mantle of sleepiness, Aleah released an inward howl, mother, mother was the repeated mental cry.  Then, like an abrupt surge of noxious fumes, she became suddenly awareness that in this place of barren walls and rug less floors, there would be no pink slippers.

     Yet for a moment while wavering between flexing states, Aleah awaited her mother's strong embrace and loving smile.  During these precious semi-lucid seconds, Aleah remembered her mother's mimicking gestures as she imitated her child's every stretch and yawn.

"From the Broken Glass to the Sheet of Ice."  Page 20

     Aleah attempting to maintain her nurturing memories produced mental archives of the past.  Unlike sticky cotton candy or melting chocolate, her cherished memories instilled more than temporary pleasures,.  Indeed, these priceless recollections developed into an inexplicable of emotional safety for this captured child.

     In the earliest period of predawn, Aleah did not suffer the affects of the captors' rudeness nor were her every actions critically scrutinized. 

     Unfortunately, for Aleah the mornings of private moments were very rare. Often sleeping past dawn her mornings would begin with intrusions into the room where she slept.  A door kicked opened, books intentionally dropped, balls repeatedly bounced, paper bags exploring, balloons loud popped, dresser drawers opening and closing, these were the sounds which introduced her to a new day. 
     Giggles and snickers from the children of the household would soon follow, "Wow, whatever those men give that girl to make her sleep like that must really be strong.  How can she not wake up after all that noise?"

     "Did her eye balls move any while we were making so much noise? One of the children asked. "The men said we are to see if her eye balls move any while we are making noise.  When her eyes are closed if there is movement under the closed lids, she might be waking up". 


     Today is June 12th, 2020, seventeen days after the death of an unarmed Black Afro-American man at the hands of four Minnesota police officers.  George Floyd is the name of the man who pleaded for his life while his hands were handcuffed behind his back, laying on the unsanitary concrete ground with one of the four police officers' knee on his air way; causing asphyxiation and of course death.

     I haven't previously posted news events on this site but the horrid criminal death of this father, this brother, this friend deserves acknowledgement.

     When an ideology, a philosophy, a creed, a powerful political self-interest usurps the value and identity of a single individual the whole of humanity is weakened.  As a survivor of an ideology whose political self- interest justified the dissipation of my civil rights, my human rights, my legal rights, my spiritual rights, and my sacred footprint, it is impossible for me to comprehend how it is not understood that when a butterfly flaps it's wings in China the vibrations reach New York.


From the Broken Glass to the Sheet of Ice Page 24

     An amateur harpsichordist, Aleah's mother played and listened to music throughout the day. Yet, when she woke that fact was not recalled.  The evenings in her home were often filled with her father's musical passion that being classical  Spanish guitar.  Ravel's rendition of Bolero was practically a daily experience in this home where music seemed as essential as linen table napkins and freshly cut flowers.

     No, instead, in this forcefully transplanted existence, there were no sounds of classical music, no sharing of pomegranates, nor the scents of sachets of potpourri contained within every opened bureau drawer. 

     As her petite legs continued to dangle between mattress and floor, again she realized there were no slippers, Aleah placed her bare feet on the cold uncovered floor.