Shattered Memories

 If she does not do for us what she did for the Russians; kill her

  The reason we brought you out of it was to give you the chance to agree to work with us.

  I have prayed for years for my memories to return.   The frail fragile remnants of slices of moments of my past prior to the inhumane injection of MKULTRA into my life creep into my conscious mind like an unexpected phantom.  I remember a parade, a loud bang, something suddenly covering my head.  I felt my body leaving the ground.  I don't remember what I felt at that moment.  I don't remember feeling fear or confusion, I don't remember feeling anything  One second there I was enjoying the excitement of the Piccadilly Circus, as only a five year old could, the next second my life would be changed forever.

As I become less of an efface for exclusively only housing vague yesterday's traumatic memories, I  wonder how I can take the next step.  How can one step out of a quagmire that someone else created and continues to fortify the murky soil of lies. Several days ago, I remember the fact that as a senior in high school the senior female class was to spend two weeks in a local convent. I was excited about the prospect of spending quiet time without distraction in prayer. 

Teenagers and confinement not surprisingly created an interesting and unique situation. The routine in the convent was regimented and very rigid.   

I started writing about the time I spent in the convent a few days ago but the emotional impact of the full details which I later found out about the stay caused me to postpone continuing to write.

Someone I had known for years but had not seen for a long time came by one day for an unexpected  visit.  I don't know where I had been that day but when I entered the house there she was sitting and talking to the person who I believed at the time was my sister.  I was very glad to see the girl as I now remember that I was very fond of her.  

For the first few minutes that day, the girl, the person I thought was my sister and I talked about things in general.  Things like how have you been?  what are you doing now?  Nothing of any major significance. Since, I had been told that the friend had decided to become a religious Nun, I asked her if she was on leave from the convent.  I knew enough regarding religious novices to know that prior to a person  taking the final vows  they must spend time away from the convent.  When I saw the girl at the house that day, I thought this was the reason she was not at the convent.  When I questioned her regarding this matter she told me that she had  decided not to take her final vows.  When I asked her the reason she had changed her mind she hesitated. I could tell that she was almost in tears so I immediately apologized and tried to change the subject but she pushed herself and stated that things were not what they seemed. I then shared with her that I was thinking about spending some time in the convent after the few weeks I had spent there as a senior in high school.  The friend seemed puzzled.  She looked directly at me and stated with this incredulous expression on her face, "You were in the convent for two years not two weeks."

I know a little about the concept of a protective self.  For me, it is like an internal valve involuntarily rotations.  On that day, after hearing the words, you were in the convent for two years not two weeks, suddenly, in that room reality rotated and the transition of the words I had just heard had been spoken miles away.   Some emotional section of me had left that room.  I don't remember when the friend left the house.  Trauma, abuse, mental torture. the inhumane indifference which would allow for the justification of devaluing a human life. 

What I heard in that house that day instantly vanished from my memory. Mentally, Int  remember I still only remember the two weeks spent in the convent.  I remember hearing some of the girls plotting escapes.  wo weeks seemed like a short time for any stay but for some of the girls it was like an imprisonment. How the girls ever found a phone too this day reminds a mystery to me as I can't imagine the Nuns not locking up all assess to phones but some of the girls found phones and one night I heard that they had ordered a pizza and they were very pleased the the would be delivered.  It seemed that in previous years other students had found a way to have pizza delivered to the heavily gated, fortress-like convent.                                                                                                                                                                 

I don't remember having to share a room with another student.   I do think that some students did share a room because they wanted a roommate. I vaguely remember that we might have been asked if we wanted to share a room or not during the orientation.    

Of the time I remember in the convent, it was peaceful.  I remember writing that (the silence was more loquacious than).  Sorry but I don't remember the completion of that writing.

I remember hearing the excitement of some of the girls on the day the two weeks ended.  some of the students had been comparing the convent to a prison.  Within the first few weeks some of the students had phoned their parents asking them to come and get them but none of the parents had been accommodating.

What happened between the day the other students and the other 102 weeks in my life is still unknown to me.  I have a few memories of those 102 weeks which seem more like faded shadows in a dream than reality.    

I remember a nun who had been a teacher at the high school being at the convent for a while.  As it had been in my childhood whatever method which was being used to alter my reality so that I did't remember the every day activities of my life was once again employed during my time in the convent.

I don't remember crucial things like having breakfast.  I don't remember taking showers or dressing.  I don't remember conversation with any of the Nuns nor do I remember talking with anyone outside of the convent. 

There are only two things that I remember.  One day the Nun who was a teacher in the school I was attending prior to the convent stay came where I was sitting on the grounds of the convent.  I had heard one of the Nuns who lived at the convent say something to the effect that the Nun from the school had a close friendly relationship.  I have always loved being in nature and was seated outdoors on this one occasion that I remember the Nun's visit.  Sister, as the Nuns were called by the students found me seated in the cemetery which was located on the grounds.  I remember that she told me that the Nuns who lived in the convent were worried about me because I spend so much of my time in the cemetery, that I might be considering  harming myself.   

The time I spent at this high school was during the period of the Cuban revolution.  Because of the revolution members of the Fulgencio Batista family, the ruling class of Cuba at the time were removed from Cuba.  Because of the removal of the Fulgencio Batista  and his family one of Batista's sons became a student of the high school  I was attending at the time. The young man was aristocratic, impeccably mannered, and exceptionally handsome.  In school, the entire student body from the freshman class to the senior class did not exceed five hundred and fifty students.  I met the Batista young man because he became a member of the Spanish class in which I was enrolled.  

The Spanish class was very small there were only seven students including myself and one of the students was an Italian boy named Dominic.  Dominic's aggressive verbiage toward the females in the class had delegated him to a row of his own. I felt sorry for him and one-day decided to sit in the chair in front of him in his own private empty row.

Dominic was also unbelievably handsome.  Once I began to sit in front of Dominic I found him charming, annoying, an interesting conversationalist and overall a somewhat tolerable person.

There were times when overheard one of the other female students make a comment like he hasn't said anything to upset her yet.  Other phrases like give it time she will be back sitting with us.    

The Spanish was very informal and with such a small class size teacher allowed Dominic and I to keep our daily conversation going without fear of chastisement.  

The Nun who taught the Spanish class was originally from a Southern United State.  It was not until the Cuban student joined the class that I learned that we were being taught Spanish by a person with a Southern Drawl.

The teacher made few demands on us as students. She didn't require that we speak only Spanish in class.  I don't remember ever being given homework from this class. Although this was my second year of taking Spanish my Spanish vocabulary was very minimal which became very obvious once the Batista student joined the class.

By the time the Spanish class was ingratiated by the Cuban student Dominic was again sitting alone in his isolation.  As predicted, one day, he made an inappropriate remark to me which I found extremely insulting and humiliating.  In my stunned shock, I stood in front of him, turned a ring I on the third finger of my right so that it would be perfected centered then I processed to to use as much force as I could manage to slap him as hard as I could.       

After the first slap landed my anger did not subside and the inclination to go back for a second round forced my right hand backward again with the full intention to land a second  blow.  the second attempt was unsuccessful as Dominic grabbed my wrist stating, "I deserved the first one."

I walked to my left maybe one row maybe two rows over and sat in the third seat behind two other students.  My bottom lip was trembling so intensely that one of the other girl students went in her purse pulling out enough Kleenex to slow a flood.                                                         

It was maybe a few weeks, maybe a month, after this incident that the Cuban student joined our Spanish class. Dominic was still occupying his own private row and the Cuban took a seat in the same row with Dominic.   After Batista had been in class a few weeks, Dominic approached us ladies requesting to sit in the row next to us.  We the girls of the class could of course not say no to the request without seeming to be rude to the international guest so Dominic sat in the row immediately to the left of mine and three other female students and the Cuban sat directly behind me.

I am not sure that the Spanish teacher was very knowledgeable in Spanish.  In the two years I took her class I don't remember her writing on the blackboard.  I don't remember ever getting homework.  I knew a few phrases in Spanish like; what is your name?  How old are you?  What school do you Attend?  I knew a number of adjectives and nouns but would not after two years Spanish class be able to keep a conversation or order anything in a Spanish speaking restaurant.     

Dominic became an ideal emissary for the Cuban student.  He was like a junior diplomat.  Dominic mannerism  changed.  He was combative and withdrawn.  After introduction, let's call the student Juan just to give him a first name.  I honestly don't remember the Cuban's first name but let's call him Juan as that is a good name in any language.          

The student in Spanish class did talk with Juan regarding the situation in Cuba.  We of course did not press him as we were told not too and  we were sensitive to his feelings and sudden dramatic change in his life,

Juan's demeanor is polite and friendly.  He was not standoffish or snobbish. After two or three weeks in our class Juan asked me if I took a bus to and from school.  I am sure he knew the answer to the question before asking it and when I said yes,  he asked if he could ride the bus with me until I got off at my stop.

I knew nothing about Juan's living situation but what I did know was that a chauffeured limousine was at the school to pick him up each day after school. 

Juan explained that he wanted to get to know more about the average American and that that was not possible riding in the back of a chauffeured driven limousine. 

I will leave to the imagination of the reader to visualize the reactions of the passengers of the bus when they learned that a chauffeured limousine followed the daily until I got off the bus and the Cuban would go get into the limousine.

From the first day of our ride, I directly the Cuban that we would sit in the very last seat of the bus as it was a long roomy sit where we both could sit and be comfortable.  The first weeks of the ride, Juan and I exchanged as much conversation as our limited knowledge of the other's language would allow. I could tell that Juan was very pleased at having an opportunity to experience an ordinary life void of expectations and restrictions.  

Each day when we got on the bus there were cordial exchanges among the other passengers and Juan and myself.  I had begun to recognize some of the passengers who rode the bus daily.  We had the same bus driver everyday as that must have been his route.  After a few weeks of riding the bus the driver became more relaxed when communicating with Juan and I was concerned.  He jokingly asked, Juan one-day, "You make her pay her own fair."  I think Juan may have answered something to the effect that she won't let me pay.  

As the weeks progressed  the passengers on the bus felt comfortable enough with us to begin friendly interactions.  After paying our fares, we would turn around to be met with smiling faces asking questions like, "How was your day?'  "Is that your limousine following the bus?"   "Why are you riding the bus?" "If  were able to ride in a limo rather than a bus, believe me it would be the limo."

After a number of weeks several of the daily passengers felt comfortable enough to come to the end of the bus seating themselves directly in front of Juan and myself.  The friendly questioning continued.  The passengers made curious inquiries such as; "is that a private school you attend?"    "Is it difficult to get into school?'   "Are the academic requirements to get into the school very high/"

The dialogue developed between the passengers on that bus and the young  displaced Batista was humbling and very moving.  Individuals who never thought that they one-day would meet a person of Juan's social, economic, political status soon found themselves feeling comfortable in his presents.  

The reality of the bus exchange seemed to help the young Batista validate in his mind the managerial direction his father had intended to veer Cuba towards. One of the passengers on the bus with respectful sensitivity brought up the subject that the poor people  in Cuba did not have access to education or healthcare.       

Juan's friendly demeanor did not become defensive when this subject was raised.  In school Dominic and other students had broached this delicate subject with Juan who quickly acknowledged that a vast inequality which existed between the ruling class, people of wealth and the poor.  Juan firmly stated that the gross injustices were one of the first things he father had intended to address.   

A young man, a daily on the bus passenger, who looked like a high student began to perch himself in front of Juan and I daily.  When asked, the younger man told us his name was Tomas.  When I  began to pronounce the young fellows name in Spanish that pleased him very much.One day, Tomas asked me what he could talk with Juan about when I told him John Coltrane both of the young men's faces demonstrated being excited.

The language barriers between the two did not subside but somehow their communication increased.

I don't remember when the bus ride ended.  I know that the stay at the convent had not taken place before the rides.  I heard through someone at school that Juan and his family had been given residency in Spain.  I also heard that Juan was to become engaged to a member of Juan Carlos family,  the then king of Spain.

  Of the few things which I remember about the two/two years stay in the convent was a visit from Juan where he said to me, " I did not want it to happen this way."  " I didn't want them to do this to you."

MKULTRA.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

Nostalgia Two

 As I journey through the gracefulness of aging, I find that politeness can be a form of avoidance. When I heard the phrase with a surprising tone, "Wow! "You look good for your age. "I often politely reply, "thanks" when in reality I wonder if I should really be insulted or annoyed.  Although, I know the person emitting the remarks means them as a compliment, there is a bit of condescending undertone.  After all why not just say, you look good today, or something like you must really take good care of your health.  You must exercise often.

Perhaps us maturing adults, should publish articles and pamphlets indicating the conversational etiquette which should be used when attempting to compliment a person of advancing age.

Still, I must admit that when I look into the mirror first thing in the morning, I wish my first thought would be something like that you look good for your age.  Or perhaps something like, not so bad.  No instead, the mental stream which goes more like, are there any physically recognizable features left of that thirty year old? Should I use more retinol?   Is cold-pressed black cumin seed oil really beneficial and should I consult my physician before starting to use it?   

I lift my eyebrows very high toward my hairline and do several extreme versions of facial yoga.  The fish-face exercise is a favorite.  You know the one where you raise your eyebrows upward, your jaw is lowered, your lips structuring the design of a fish stretching its mouth in a wide oval shape. And of course, there is the one where you fill your mouth with air and move your cheeks from side-to-side in an attempt to strengthen the facial muscles while reducing the frown lines.   

OH! Well!  Let's get out of this state of insignificant vanity and start the morning grooming, especially since a freshly completed shower and the lowering of the body from the midriff to brush the hair produces more facial vitality.   

Look deeper, whispered that perceptive inner voice, the hairline is thinning but your character is not.  With age for some reason the nose grows larger but also does your sense of patience and consideration.  Your kindness did not leave you and you still have a strong capacity to love.  

Remember the time when you attended the orchid show at the botanical garden and was mesmerized by their variety and beauty.  Or the time at the art museum  when you were so enthralled with a Claude Monet painting that you felt as if you were standing in his garden with him and he offered you some tea. And you will never forget the total awe experienced the day you visited the Canterbury Cathedral in Kent, England.  The massive size of the interior of that cathedral was breathtaking and humbling. And I know that you recall attending a violin concert by a noted European violinist whose name I have forgotten but I have not forgotten the fact that his brilliant performance brought tears to my eyes.

Realistically, if I spent too much time criticizing the inevitable changes of aging and not reflect on the contributions I made in the lives of others or the volunteerism or the hours of listening to classical music or the sheer appreciation of the beauty of nature,  I am when taking away some of the most precious gifts given in the forms of grace.   

 

Nostalgia

 As nostalgia involuntarily meanders through my ethos, I question how it seems that one day I was playing games like hop-scotch, hide and seek, jacks, and kick-the-can than several seconds later my doctor is  making statements like at your age you should expected certain changes in your skin.

Does expecting changes in my skin mean that I should expect teenage white heads, occasional pimples and should I go out and buy some Clearasil?   

I can now certainly see the benefit of my subscription to the, (Massachusetts General Hospital Newsletter), as it recommended the use of salicylic acid for maturing skin.  My physician's comment was void of any recommendations or suggestions.  If a  person that is a few decades passed forty does that make their vanity concerns less valid?  As one, if I am being honest, who is actually three decades past forty, I certainly don't want to look in the mirror in the morning and see a protruding white blotch in the middle of my forehead.  

In witnessing a whitehead, I may not have experienced the teenage devastation and drama, but I must confess that I find the conspicuous white blotch unattractive and physically disturbing. Perhaps I misunderstood the doctor, my thirty year junior, and maybe she was not being nonchalant, dismissive or indifferent.  It might have just been that she could not equate with why the blotch mattered to me.  My math was a little off a few sentences ago, the correction is that she is (my forty junior).

The games we children played in our early years were actually building our physical agility and strength.  The  challenges of playing Double-Dutch, the leg muscle building of bike riding, and why do children prefer running to walking?

As a child , I was fascinated by ladybugs.  Those tiny creatures with the red body speckled with black spots.  I often used an index card so that the bug would crawl on it then I would allow the lady to walk onto the back of my hand, all the while being completely in awe.  I never understood the rhyme,  "    Ladybug, Ladybug, fly away home, your house is on fire and your children all burn." I learned today that the rhyme is,  "an illusion to the practice of farmers burning their fields after the harvest."

Ladybug, ladybug is also considered a chant to send on its way. The ladybug beetle is helpful to farmers by reducing the number of harmful larvae and insects on crops. In certain parts of the English-speaking world, farmers chanted right before and they burned their fields after harvest.  " Ladybug ladybug, fly away home/ Your house is on fire, your children alone (or your children are gone).  Some people still recite the verse when a ladybug lands on them and before gently flicking the insect off of them, because swatting a ladybug is considered very bad luck.  ( Information regarding the history of the Ladybug rhyme was collected from, ("The Webmaster's page").

  

The Audacity of Arrogance

Sura 34:38

Those who strive against Our Signs, to frustrate them, will be given over into Chastisement.

When a person or a community of people experiences systemic exploitations which too often are justified within the pretentious clock of patriotism, rather realized or not, they are not alone. 

A squash insect reduces the potency of its species' purpose. ""The earthworm has an important role in the ecosystem through enhancing decomposition of soils. The honey bees cross-pollination are essential for  

the germination of plants, (pthomeandgarden.com)." The magnificent and exceptional contributions given to the sustainability of humankind by such minute creatures as earthworms and honey bees are undeniable,  consequently how can the dignity and purpose of even one human being be dimensions, dissipated or ignored under the umbrella of governmental self-interest.   

While a visitor at a mosque in Birmingham, England, the Imam made a statement which was significantly impacted by the path of supplication.  The cleric mention that it is selfish to pray only for ourselves.  When us finite, healing human beings, enter into prayer often our emotional scars are being felt.  We go into prayer asking our Creator for comfort, guidance and strength.  When an individual has suffered excruciating physical and emotional pain, often these experiences are endured alone.  Therein, it is understandable that a request for help would travel a singular path.  I never prior to Birmingham considered my prayers non-inclusive or shallow.  Yet, now, when I submit my invocations, the Uighurs of China are included, the suffering Muslims of India, the innocent inmates of Guantanamo Bay, the raped victim, the neglected and abused child, the homeless, the misunderstood mentally ill.  the multitudes not mentions here and those unknown to me are included now in my prayers.

Almighty Source, we humbly implore You to manifest Your Compassion, Kindness, Mercy and Healing Powers upon the suffering masses within humankind.  Magnify Your powerful Graces whereas they may be experienced. felt, realized and absorbed.   .

I respectfully request Your Guidance and Clarity from the bewildered state which hinders my spiritual energy while stagnating my hope.  The unhealed mental and emotional lacerations suffocate. I don't remember my biological mother's name but I remember the coercive words when shown a picture of my mother contained in a family heirloom locket, "if you tell we will kill your mother."  

The Invisible Unknown

 Sura 113:1:5  "I seek refuge in the Lord of daybreak. And from the evil of the envious one when he envies."

Humanity is entangled within an invisible unknown which is siphoning intellectual, spiritual, and psychological vitality.  The arrogant entity which cannot create anything is attempting to control everything.  The Magnificent, the Volume which has no beginning nor end; is either being commercialized, or minimized in modern day madness.   Wealth, power, yachts, greed, all the things the self-assumed hoarders ravish and collect; end in massive wads of nothingness full of emptiness, as these material things do not fit in a grave,

I recently attended a tribute to the Persian poet Jalal-al-Din Muhammad Rumi.  One of the distinguished guest speakers surprisingly knew who I was.  When the informative lectures ended,the Middle Eastern gentleman knew who I was walking up to me advising that I should write on my blog more often.

I did not immediately take his advice but weeks later when I was approached by a reporter for an interview, I realized that there is an interest in my story.   I put in an email to a friend a few days ago that a survivor, a person who has been exploited should not go silently into their own humiliation and destruction: but instead, they should scream, yell, making a great deal of noise regarding the injustice they have been subjected. 

Healing Focused Memories

 Today is February 18th, 2022 and I am currently chronicling  as many positive events as I can recall,  The event I decided to start with will be those involving nature.  It is my intention to allow this venture to aid in my healing from many past traumas.  Prior to this point, I have been writing these memories in a journal.  I have also used notebooks.  The trouble with these methods is that journals get misplaced and notebooks seem too impersonal. 

Since, I have rightly written down many of the traumatic things inflicted on me in my past, I want to rejuvenate as much as possible in bringing to mind the healing power of nature.  On Wednesday, of this week, following a physical therapy appointment I went for a massage,  The massage location I selected is in the same mall as the therapist.  Wednesday was my second visit to this particular massage parlor and the experience was not as rewarding as my first.  In the same area there is another massage parlor which also offers: facials, manicures, pedicures, and has a much more impressive facade.  I had passed this parlor up reasoning that it would be much more expensive than the one previously chosen.  Yet because I was displeased with the received massage, I decided to inquire about the prices of the second place.

The second location had much more room and staff.  The person who approached me spoke little English but he did get his point across.  Since I had just received a massage, I only wanted a price he stated that the person who gives the massages would tell me,  I told him that I would return next week and left the parlor.  Leaving there, I went for coffee and when returning to the place where I would be picked up by the ride service I used, again I passed the day spa and on the second trip I took notice of some Aloe Vera plants seated near the spa"s interior window.  I entered the spa for the second time and asked if I could take a picture of the plants.  Smiling widely, one of the technicians said a friendly, "yes."  As I used my iPhone to take a few photos of the plants another technician came up and started a conversation about the plants.  She like the gentlemen who had greeted me earlier, the ladies English was challenging to understand.

Well,  I took a few photos of the Aloe Vera plants and realized as I compared the photos to the Aloe Vera plant that I had at home that I had captured part of the Wednesday February 16th, 2022 forever.  The interactions between myself the staff at the spa and the prickly plants were now apart of my focused positive memories.     

Badgered

 Sura 55:13 Then which of the favours of your Lord will ye deny

As a Mk-Ultra survivor I often contemplate or question if an action of mine is due too having injuries resulting from the treatments of an governmental experimentation object or if my behavioral action are projections of who I am innately.  This may be an contradiction in terms but without having an expert in the behavioral to consult, I am at a considerable disadvantage.  

Currently, I am living with my daughter and her two children ages six and thirteen>  Last weekend they went away for a weekend trip.  While they were gone, I took the quiet time and  completely cleaned several rooms of the house the kitchen being one of focus.  Daily cleaning does not address the cleaning of the refrigerator, mopping the floor, arranging the spices in the rack and other chores not address daily.  When my daughter and her children returned Monday evening I had already retired for the day.  When I got up on Tuesday morning I went into the kitchen to make my morning coffee, finding on my arrival dishes with unfinished food on plates left on the kitchen table and counters.  Dished in the sink where there were none the night before and other items of disarray.

Recently, I have been having problems with high blood pressure.  My daughter had to take me to an emergency service facility just a week or so ago so she is very well aware of my health concerns yet the common courtesy of making sure the kitchen remained in the state in which it was found was not adhered. 

Too often, I let such action go unvoiced by me.  I know in doing this I do both my daughter and myself a great injustice. The little of the behavior I remember of myself prior to unnecessary electric shock treatments and other unknow medical horrors, I did not allow myself to be trampled upon.  I think I respect and value who I am but that fact could be proven by my behavior where acceptance of rude and cruel behaviors of others is concerned.  I attempted to address my suppressed memories and other issues of MK-Ultra injuries with a medical person.  I hesitate to say medical professional as that fact was unseen by me.  What I encountered rather than a knowledgeable compassionate professional was an arrogant, presumptuous individual whose piece of paper otherwise call a diploma made his too quick to make diagnosis acceptable.  I was informed by this pharmaceutical employee that if I would not go on medication that he would not accept me as a patient.  How horrifying is the double exploitation.  How unbelievably cruel.         

The Serrated Stone of Lost Belonging

Sura:94: The Expansion

Have We not expended for you your breast,
And eased you of burden,
Which weighed so heavily on your,
back?
And have We not exalted for you
your renown?
Then surely with hardship comes
ease.
Surely with hardship comes ease.
Therefore, when you are free from one task, resume another task.
Ans seek and strive to please your
Lord.

I have neglected posting on this blog and consequently therein also neglected variant components of self.  As a survivor, the necessity of externalizing penned emotions is crucial in order to heal.  When repetitive thoughts of the perpetrators' abuses are the dominant focus of your day too much positive energy is drained from the body, the mind and the day; consequently again yielding control of ones' vibrancy to the perpetrator. When you walk pass a beautiful flower and the sight and scent of one of nature's most magnificent wonders goes unnoticed the survivors is denying self. As I stated in an earlier post, I am going to start putting excerpts from my novel in this post.  It is still very emotional for me to edit and read some of my novel which can invokes unhealed traumas.   Nevertheless, stagnation suffocates the ability to move forward and live a full and productive life. Sometimes, painful emotions emerge more when I read my journal writings consequently, personally, giving life to the words of my novel. In any event one page of the novel follows.  I am not  going to give an explanation or set-up the page.  The words and action on the page should convey the essence in themselves. Here it goes:

From the Broken Glass to the Sheet of Ice Page 19 
   
     The next time Aleah  awaken, the horrid incident which involved the broken soda bottle intentionally placed in her running path did not come to mind. Rather, on this morning which was presumed to have  followed the previous night, the first lingered thought to penetrate the spirit of this forlorn child was the image of a pair of pink shippers.

     Within the first few seconds of predawn, Aleah momentarily felt herself cloistered in the stabilizing security of her own loving family.  Maintained temporarily with the emerging backdrop of early morn was interlaced her true identity. While clutch in the subconscious jewels of semi-alertness, the gentle child remembered the experience of receiving parental care.  Cradled within the mystical arms of the sacrosanctity of initial light, there was no reason to yearn for the sound of her mother's voice.  The first rays of daylight had not yet awaken the harsh trauma of her abduction. At this early hour, loneliness did not hover like pernicious smoke nor did the serrated stone of lost belongings.

     Yawning in a mantle of sleepiness, Aleah released an inward howl, mother, mother was the repeated mental cry.  Then, like an abrupt surge of noxious fumes, she became suddenly awareness that in this place of barren walls and rug less floors, there would be no pink slippers.

     Yet for a moment while wavering between flexing states, Aleah awaited her mother's strong embrace and loving smile.  During these precious semi-lucid seconds, Aleah remembered her mother's mimicking gestures as she imitated her child's every stretch and yawn.

"From the Broken Glass to the Sheet of Ice."  Page 20

     Aleah attempting to maintain her nurturing memories produced mental archives of the past.  Unlike sticky cotton candy or melting chocolate, her cherished memories instilled more than temporary pleasures,.  Indeed, these priceless recollections developed into an inexplicable of emotional safety for this captured child.

     In the earliest period of predawn, Aleah did not suffer the affects of the captors' rudeness nor were her every actions critically scrutinized. 

     Unfortunately, for Aleah the mornings of private moments were very rare. Often sleeping past dawn her mornings would begin with intrusions into the room where she slept.  A door kicked opened, books intentionally dropped, balls repeatedly bounced, paper bags exploring, balloons loud popped, dresser drawers opening and closing, these were the sounds which introduced her to a new day. 
     Giggles and snickers from the children of the household would soon follow, "Wow, whatever those men give that girl to make her sleep like that must really be strong.  How can she not wake up after all that noise?"

     "Did her eye balls move any while we were making so much noise? One of the children asked. "The men said we are to see if her eye balls move any while we are making noise.  When her eyes are closed if there is movement under the closed lids, she might be waking up". 


     Today is June 12th, 2020, seventeen days after the death of an unarmed Black Afro-American man at the hands of four Minnesota police officers.  George Floyd is the name of the man who pleaded for his life while his hands were handcuffed behind his back, laying on the unsanitary concrete ground with one of the four police officers' knee on his air way; causing asphyxiation and of course death.

     I haven't previously posted news events on this site but the horrid criminal death of this father, this brother, this friend deserves acknowledgement.

     When an ideology, a philosophy, a creed, a powerful political self-interest usurps the value and identity of a single individual the whole of humanity is weakened.  As a survivor of an ideology whose political self- interest justified the dissipation of my civil rights, my human rights, my legal rights, my spiritual rights, and my sacred footprint, it is impossible for me to comprehend how it is not understood that when a butterfly flaps it's wings in China the vibrations reach New York.


From the Broken Glass to the Sheet of Ice Page 24

     An amateur harpsichordist, Aleah's mother played and listened to music throughout the day. Yet, when she woke that fact was not recalled.  The evenings in her home were often filled with her father's musical passion that being classical  Spanish guitar.  Ravel's rendition of Bolero was practically a daily experience in this home where music seemed as essential as linen table napkins and freshly cut flowers.

     No, instead, in this forcefully transplanted existence, there were no sounds of classical music, no sharing of pomegranates, nor the scents of sachets of potpourri contained within every opened bureau drawer. 

     As her petite legs continued to dangle between mattress and floor, again she realized there were no slippers, Aleah placed her bare feet on the cold uncovered floor.

Astonishment

Qur'an Sura18:105

They are those who deny
The Signs of their Lord
And the fact of their
Having to meet Him
'vain will be their works,
Nor shall We, on the Day
Of Judgment, give the
Any Weight.

Note 2451
False motives, pretense, deception and hypocrisy, flourish because people do not take the higher life seriously.  In effect they treat it s jest. Signs and Messengers are sent as a special and personal Mercy from God.

The few follower I have suggested that I post on my blog more often.  I completely agree with this urging and have decided only to place excerpt from my novel on this site but also excerpt from my journals.  As I travel through my thoughts and mood via my journals, we shall learn together the honesty of unfiltered introspective.

September 9th, 2009

Today once again I am taking action where it comes to facing the tragedies of my life.  I am on my way to England where I pray I will be able to get legal and medical assistance.  As I am packing, unpacking and repacking. I make sure that I have the phone number of the medical facility the helps survivors of torture.  It amazes me how the causes of today's global unrest are not tracked to their roots.  Instilled within the properties of societal manipulation are hatred, racism, classicism, and a multitude of  lurid and diabolical projects such as Mk-Ultra.   

The invisibility of Injustice

"The difficulties of winter and autumn,      
                the heat of summer,
          spring like the spirit of life,
winds, and clouds and the lightening-all these
           help to make distinctions clear:
               so the dust-colored earth
        may bring forth all it holds in its heart,
                    whether ruby or dull stone."
                  Written  by Jula'lu'ddin Ru'mi'

I may have used this quote by Rumi prior in this blog but the contents of this saying in my perspective is so profound that a repeat performance is apropos.  I titled this post: (The Invisibility of Injustice),  which in many ways appears to be factual.  For example, in recent years, due to the development of the technology of modern DNA testing, a substantial number of men have been released from years of wrongful incarceration having been proven innocent of rape charges as a outcome of DNA testing.

If one were to endeavor to collect the data which would document the number of men proven innocent and then released from prison,  Then, too collectively calculate the number of years these men spend away from freedom, the invisibility of injustice could at least begin to take on a statistical formation.

Today, October nineteenth two thousand sixteen, I had an appointment with a doctor for the purpose and hope that he could medically help me regain my memory.  In the session, I briefly explained why I was seeking his assistance and what I wanted from the sessions.  

This blog has been a method for me to expose what has happened to me and for me to release some of the internal emotions which have for too long been pinned.  After this first session, I think that what the intake doctor suggested, that frequent visit with a profession therapist would be of benefit where recovering my memory is concerned.

I was a little unsettled when I first left the doctor's office.  I felt disoriented, having to concentrate on my surroundings so that I wouldn't walk into things.  My first stop once leaving the office was to Starbucks.  I visit this particular Starbucks often, although most of the time I go through the drive-through.  Today, I decided that I needed the short walk from my car to the interior of the coffee shop as I needed to become more grounded.   Oddly, my first thought when I entered the building is that it somehow looked different.  I asked the person who took my order had they done something new to the place.  She looked confused since I had seen her only a few days prior.  She never really answered me but I know that nothing new had been added to the place nor had anything been taken away. This same frequently visited establishment looked fresher, wider, brighter.

I will of course continue my sessions even though at this moment I feel like someone is using a old model can-opener with its serrated invasion onto the exterior and interior of my being.  Mentally, I can see the pointed sharp blade of the opener piercing the thin tin can with the objective of getting to the contents within the can.  The razor jagged wedges are dangerous to the touch but essential for releasing the what is within the can.

Injustice itself can not been seen by the naked eye, yet its effects upon society become more visible each day.  

As I prepare myself to undertake possibly one of the most difficult ventures of my life, I pray that the ultimate success brings hope and peace to others as well.
  
    

The Stolen Diary

With Him are the keys of the Unseen, the treasures that none knows but He.  He knows whatever there is on the earth and in the sea.  Not a leaf does fall but with His knowledge; there is not a grain in the darkness of the earth, nor anything fresh or dry but is in a Record clear.  It is He who does take your soul by night, and has knowledge of all that you have done by day; by day does He raise you up again; that a term appointed be fulfilled; in the end unto Him will be your return; then will He show you the truth of all that you did. 
Noble Qur'an  Vl:59-60


The techniques implemented to traumatized a Mk-Ultra subject especially when the subject is a child transmit long lasting effect upon the survivor.  Mental constrictions occur when one attempts to remember an event so horrifying that in the moment of the event a mental showdown cloaks the piercing reality. Once clothed in a state of emotional shock reality's perception becomes distorted leaving specific details of a situation wavy, blurred, nauseating.

Did Freddie Mae, run to the address of 4719 Kensington Place that day, or did she walk?  I think the fear on my face may have caused her to run.  How soon after her sprint did I enter the house.  How could she?  I pondered as I snailed my way to the house?  After all the difficult she and her husband experienced prior to having a full termed birth. After all, the baby is only three month.

Faith?  How far can it take us?  Freddie Mae's belief and desire for a child propelled her into an action which was most definitely a leap.  She had a discussion with her minister.  She made the decision that she should respect his advise.  She crossed the street one summer day grabbed my arm and stated, "Don't be afraid.  Don't think me stupid or foolish.  This is what my pastor told me to do and at this point, I have nothing to loose and so much to gain.  My pastor told me to touch some part of your body and to pray"  Nine months or near the ninth month later a healthy baby girl was born this is wanting couple.  Some three months after the birth the child was murdered.  A statement was made prior to the diabolical act that they did not want anyone with any spiritual acumen to have a positive high profile in that decade or for decades to come. One of the consequences of this sinister decision was the killing of a child.  The child seem a easy sacrifice for the Lucifer agenda.

When I arrived at the location of 4719 Kensington Place the day when Freddie Mae grabbed my arm and prayed,  I did place the state of my confusing and hopes in a journal, a diary, a sheet of loose leaf, or a ripped page from a spiral.  With there being no one  in my life I could talk with concerning the spiritual phenomena, supernatural activities, or whatever the appropriate word or phrase needed to describe the valuable and venerable position, I as a child had been placed; I had to turn to expressing my felling in writings.

Once I arrive in the house on the day Freddie and Luther child viciously murdered, I remember seeing Freddie pleading with someone not to hurt her child.  Two men both member of organized crime attempted with powerful physical force to cause me to puncture the soft spot in the infant's head.  One of the men grabbed my wrist while pushing my middle finger in a downward position.  At first the men attempted to cajole me making statement like, putting a  hole in the baby's head will be fun and good for the baby.  Puncturing the soft spot in the baby's scalp will make the baby happy.   Other things were said that awful day, other terrifying things were done, but the combined strength of two grown men did not prevail where I was concerned, but these men were able to execute their plan via the finger of another child.

The written words which question, what happened yesterday?  What can't I remember?  Why is the neighborhood suddenly so quiet, and sad?

Whatever other sentiments or questions I expressed in my daily writings I do not know as my writings were stolen from me just as many years of my life.  As I struggle to reconnect with life's purpose, some of my confusion and uncertainly come out through writings.  When I wrote the phrase, "Empty volatile fools they be, dancing outside of destiny," I hadn't remember at that writing what had happened to Freddie Mae's daughter.  Yet. some minute traces of a seemingly forgotten experience oozed.

Sometime after the horrifying day of the baby's murder, Freddie again crossed the street this time to state to me that she was putting her life in her hands by telling me that someone was going to try and convince me that I had something to do with her daughter's death but that I was not to believe the,  Freddie further stated that she was in the house, in the room when the murder took place and that the two grown men forced one of the other children to kill her child.

Even today, many years later, I don't know if it was a state of shock or some of the manipulative actions of Mk-Ultra which caused me to forget that brutally inhumane day for so many years.