Wednesday, 12 May 2010


"Within the sacrocanctity of early morn, she housed her true identity.

The above phrase is from a current work-in-progress manuscript from a survivor of Mk-Ultra, mainly I. As mentioned in my first posting on this site, I was forcefully taken from my loving and devoted parents prior to reaching my sixth birthday. It was after this politically motivated action that I first was exposed to Mk-ultra and the method called psycho-driving. I remember the fact that a tape recorder was constantly being played while I slept. This invasion into the subconscious was done for the purpose of driving out the stored core memories of my biological family and implanting in its stead programmed information and an altered personality state.

My parents had been married for nearly five years prior to me having been conceived. Since my parents very much wanted a child, my coming into the world and their lives brought much joy and happiness to them. My parent's feelings of genuine love and gratitude were transmitted into every communication they shared with me. Invisible but not unnoticeable, our home was permeated with the precious emotions of respect and love.

Physical possessions are sometimes the most treasured and valued things in peoples' lives. For some, the things which are regarded above all else are their children, their values, their principles and standards. Attributes like ethics, integrity, and a person's word are not easily compromised commodities for the many, or the few who desire a humane and civilized society.

Encyclopedia Britannica

The power, being, or realm understood by religious persons to be at the core of existence and to have a transformative effect on their lives and destinies. Other terms, such as holy, divine, transcendent, ultimate being (or reality), mystery, and perfection (or purity) have been used for this domain. "Sacred" is also an important technical term in the scholarly study and interpretation of religions.

Within the sacrosanctity of early morn was housed her true identity. In the hallowed moments of emerging dawn, ascended, intentionally obstructed images of my family, home, faith practices, personage and innate frolic and imagination. Snippets of memories of my earliest childhood would peer when I became absorbed and interacted with the emerging cosmic elements of dawn.

Deeply rich purple ascending clouds bellowed within extraterrestrial space like advancement of mysterious time. Also, deeply rich was the inner howl, non-audibly emitted, the word, "Mother, mother." The benevolent colors of approaching morning submitted to me reflective hues of reminiscence of colors contained in a floral house gown which was once worn by my mother.

If the properties of the human mind is not considered sacred than I question what is considered sacred?

An individual's birth and biological rights of free thought and imagination should not be usurped and stagnation on the blood-stained altars of governmental self-interest.

If the human experience is not free to function within the propensities of ones' own innate drives, aptitudes, talents, spiritual expression, and moral stance, then I present the question what is freedom and how is it defined?

If the soul can be thought of as ones’ own self awareness, ones’ own inner dimensions of thoughts, belief, critical discernments, a multitude of complexities contained within the space of nothingness and everything; how than can it be robbed of its inherent rights of individual function and decision making?

Mk-Ultra forcefully aborted its subject’s rights to emotional and spiritual personalized development; and instead, Mk-Ultra injected into the spiritual veins of its subject’s empty awareness and a subjugated spirit.

Say not, “I have found the truth,” but rather, “I have found a truth.” Say not, “I have found the path of the soul.” Say rather, “I have met the soul walking upon my path.” For the soul walks upon all paths. The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed. The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless pedals. --- Kahil Gibran, The Prophet, 1923

Put your ear down close to your soul and listen hard --- Anne Sexton

When you do things from the soul you feel a river moving in you, a joy. When action comes from another section, the feeling disappears. --- Jalal ad-Din Rumi

When a person's imagination is violently ruptured throught medically unnecessary electroshock treatments, Is not the soul affected?

Maryam Ruhullah

Friday, 5 March 2010

Excavating Afflictions

Last night, night before, twenty-four hours at my door, I got up, let him in, hit me in the head with a rolling pen, all hid?

Those were the repetitive words which were always sounded in a lyrical tone, in the legendary children's game of hide and seek. As the child who was the infamous, "IT," supposedly, closed his or her eyes while securing a blinded posture while his or her arms would be folded tightly in front of their eyes. The seeker's back would be faced toward those to hide, while inclined in a forward stance against the chosen benchmarked tree. "Ready, or not here I come", was the warning phrase which gave notice to the other players in the game that they were about to be sought.

Laughter would echo back and forth between the neighborhood children like a reverberating cymbal’s sound while children sprang out from their variant hiding locations. Of course, the experienced seeker prowled in feline motions while stealthily hunting for the next "IT" of the day. Once a prey had been sighted, an unrelenting race to the designated oak spewed.

In this game of agility and cunning, it was invariably best to tag your whizzing prey as he or she went jetting by, for if gone untagged, the determined prey could always claimed priority in reaching the acorn's home. If gone untagged, the non-seeker could always demand, "I got here first."

The days of frolickers and carefree adventures for the children in this quiet tree lined neighbor cubed within walking distance of four local hospitals began to end when like an unseen stench; members of organized crime began to slither into this established residential area.

Instead of the peal of the usual daily laughter, Woe, and suffering became the replacement. Misery, pain and distress, gradually began to transcend the unchained joy which was presumed a community fixture. The darker emotions of fear and uncertainty transfixed the playful gaiety of a once believed secure and safe neighborhood.

The sight of the genteel ladies of the area proudly strutting the sidewalks with leads in hand, their trophy winning, (or so claimed), canine AKA registered, miniature poodles, or perhaps, a Scottish terriers, and of course the beloved friendly family Collie, were soon usurped by the men of the neighborhood sporting the newer family purchase, the Rot Weller, or Germany Shepard, the Chinese Chow, and of course the totally feared Doberman Pinscher.

The psychological changes in the neighborhood were less obvious than the sudden appearance of cyclone fences, and police cars cruising. External physiological adjustment were more easily inserted into the community's architectural landscape than the emotional acknowledgement of the penetratingly undesired reality of a child now missing while others had been raped. Phrased like, "Things like this just don't happen in neighborhood like ours," began to fade, once more female children disappeared and a few dogs were poisoned.

Affliction takes on variant obscure masquerades when the recipients are first timers. It was if the adults in the area felt they now had to hide. But what were being hidden were the emotions which the fearful parents were incapable of defining and unable to release. Undefined and unprocessed emotions, like food left exposed to air, leaves an invisible residue of elements which develop into free radicals making its edifice impure and susceptible to being hit in the head with a rolling pen, none hid?

As a survivor of Mk-Ultra, my perspective and other inherent elements of my being were permanently altered. Prior to being forced from my own life, my own intuitive propensities and innate abilities, I was an accomplished and decisive woman. During that period in life, I felt that I had a purposeful life and I lived accordingly.

There had never been a time in my life when I did not have the energy or drive to get out of bed in the morning, before the day two federal agents insisted that I leave my home with them. Due to Mk-Ultra, my natural drives, ambition and innate personality traits were blocked from the forefront of my conscious knowledge.

Prior to the invasion of my rights, I was a very spiritual individual. After being used in a human experimentation program, having had my spirituality flushed from me, I now struggle to again unite with my interior spirituality.

Once firmly affixed to an individual spirit, woefulness can replace the joyfulness of the certainty of faith. Suffering can become a constant state of mind, wherein becoming structural and continuously rooted and putting individuals in such a physiological and psychological state of strained existence, that the afflicted often do not realize that such states of mind are not inherent elements within the framework of humankind.

The excavation of affliction takes a determined spirit and a sense of who you are and who you are meant to be. Self-esteem is a valuable resource for healing and for regaining vitality and an appreciation for life. When each day becomes a rueful experience, the afflicted person is yielding to the hurtful spirit of his or her abuser. You must tell yourself each day and sometimes, each hour, that you are better than the exploitations inflicted on you. I will address this subject in a future posting but for now; allow me to share a bit of Cherokee Wisdom with you:

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves, inside us all...
One is Evil.--It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorry, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego."

"The other is Good.--It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."The grandson thought about it for a minute then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Survivors!!! Don't allow the evils done to you to cause you to become someone you were not meant to be.


Maryam Ruhullah

Thursday, 25 February 2010


At the time when I felt that there would be no more of me, there than was Thee.
By Maryam Ruhullah

When the word Mk-Ultra is written, spoken, or heard a specific connotation should immediately connect in the eye of the general public, (Human-experimentation). What an extraordinary combined two words, when they convey that a human being, a creature made of flesh and spirit, has been used like an unreasoning animal for experimentation purposes.

It is my intention in this post to place a very strong emphasis on the horror of human experimentation and perhaps most especially when the experimentation involves human behavior, consequently, the infecting of the human spirit. It is necessary at this time to give additional history regarding Mk-Ultra.

It was stated in a previous posting that Mk-Ultra was started in the United Stats during the Cold War period for the purpose of developing interrogation techniques to use on suspected Soviet spies. What was not mention in previous submissions was that the unwitting experimentation subjects were subjected to techniques designed to alter an individuals core personality and to transplant into the subject conditioned state a subservient programed being.

Is it imaginable to you, Oh! citizens of humanity, that a medical experimental program funded by a government would invade the mental facilities of an individual without regard too the initial risk or too any permanent damage which might be caused to the subject during the research project? Does the fact of gross indifference, illegal and secretive operations, back door scalpels of deceitful practices mounted arrogantly within cemented self-interest disturb anyones sense of constitutional injustice?

Psycho-driving, electroshock, cocktail of drugs, mind manipulation, created amnesia, behavior modification, sleep deprivation, human experimentation, void of informed consent, or committed on unwitting subjects, are such horrendous acts to go unacknowledged? What are the cocktail of words needed here to explain the severity and inhumanness of Mk-Ultra?

Programed couriers resistant to torture, military intelligence, ultimate truth serum, research into hypnosis for the purpose of interrogation, barbiturates and cannabis used as drug assisted interrogations, the concept of create the quintessential agent, the germination of Mk-Ultra.

The Korean War and the postulation that American prisoners of war were being used in brainwashing experiments became the genesis of Mk-Ultra.

As a survivor of Mk-Ultra, one evening while on an assignment for a local periodical, I attended a SNAP meeting,(Survivors Network of those Abused by Priest), only to discover once I returned home that evening that deeply housed within my edifice was a core persona of a woman whom I had not remembered or had experienced for years. For a period lasting no more than seconds, there in the forefront of my conscious mind stood a non-programed, non-hypnotized, original authentic being. The result of that overwhelming discovery.

The Woman who screams from within.

The woman who screams from within is the gifted artist, the prolific author, the attentive aunt, the person of authenticity. The woman who screams from within is the abandoned child, the abducted child, the battered child, the belittled child, the lonely child, the hated child, the taunted child, the raped child, the child crying silently throughout the night.
The woman who screams from within is the accomplished dancer, the unwanted daughter, the competent doctor, the collector of antique dollies, the dream lobotomized. The woman who screams from within is the fencing partner, the fighter for freedom, the understanding friend, the fanciful poet, the proficient lawyer, the devoted mother, the beloved niece...the epitome of forbearance. The woman who screams from within is the creative sculptress, the playful temptress, the professional defamed, the degraded moment, the dismissed contributions, the flippant acknowledgement, the recipient of callous indifference. The woman who screams from within is the abjured wife, integrity standing alone, the honest business person, the envied peer, the precision surgeon. The woman who screams from within is the woman of courage, the woman of strength, the woman determined, the woman of faith, the woman of compassion, the child who cared. The woman who screamed from within is the healing embodiment of steadfast hope.
by Maryam Ruhullaha

Monday, 22 February 2010


Empty volatile fools they be, dancing outside of destiny.
By Maryam Ruhullah

In the first posting I created in this blog, I revealed the fact that I am a survivor of a United States Government secret human experimentation program called, "Mk-ultra." This experimentation program was developed during the Cold War to devise enhanced behavioral modification techniques which could be used to interrogate suspected Soviets spies. This experimentation project which sounds more like a episode from a James Bond movie than a actuality based in fact, used many unwitting individuals as subjects. Void of informed consent, volunteers of MK-Ultra participate through a cloak of deceptions, wherein, becoming victims in one of the most horrendous crimes against humanity perpetrated in the twentieth century.

Informed consent is a critical criteria when requesting individuals participation in research program. Some of the essential components of consent form are as follows:

1. Name of research project
2. The purpose of Program
3. What the specific requirements are for the subject
4. A physician eligibility patient form
5. The subject must understand the risk involved in participation.

When any of the above elements are misrepresented to the volunteer, that can constitutes lack of informed consent.

It is not the intention of this blog to involved its followers in the technical facets of Mk-Ultra. This blog will not exclusively be dedicated to citizenry education regarding Mk-Ultra nor toward the building of awareness. The primary purpose of this blog is to convey the human side of survivorship.

Now, a little about myself and my truly incredulous situation, and how, I went from being an intelligent, mentally and physically healthy wife and mother, a functioning contributor to my family, myself, employer, community and faith group; to becoming for a while in life, a zombie like vegetable.

As a child, I was forcefully taken away from my biological family and moved to a different country, a different culture, a different social status and economic status. I was literally physically transplanted and subconsciously supplanted.

I was approximately five years of age, definitely no more than six, when a total disruption of my known life was ripped from me, as traumatically as a seamstress ripping a section of cloth from its stable bolt. De-rooted from the rich soil of two loving parents, as a child, I had to face created emptiness.

I don't want to innuendo the readers of this blog with too many weighty emotions in one posting. Still, what I feel essential to state currently, is that as a child, I made a personal promise to myself too one day locate my biological parents and heritage. That childhood promised has translated into an impenetrable sense of determination.


Maryam Ruhullah

May the Blessing of God locate,
May His Love flow through you,
And may His Mercies be your goal.

Sunday, 21 February 2010


Whenever I despair, I remember the way of truth and love has always won. There maybe tyrants and murderers, and for a time they may seem invincible, but in the end, they all fail. Think of it - always.
by Mahatma Gandhi.

Dear proponents of peace and justice:

In today's theatre of globalization, isolation from socially inhumane issues is equivalent to extending a personal invitation for injustice and tyranny to enter into your local communities and homes. Once you have read the request for arrest order, please take the appropriate action. Take the action which gives you a voice and helps make a difference in the world in which we each live.

Thank you,

Maryam Ruhullah

Please read the following request for arrest submitted to the International Criminal Court by noted Law Professor, Francis A. Boyle


Professor Francis A. Boyle of the University of Illinois College of Law in Champaign, U.S.A. has filed a Complaint with the Prosecutor for the International Criminal Court (I.C.C.) in The Hague against U.S. citizens George W. Bush, Richard Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, George Tenet, Condoleezza Rice, and Alberto Gonzales (the “Accused”) for their criminal policy and practice of “extraordinary rendition” perpetrated upon about 100 human beings. This term is really their euphemism for the enforced disappearance of persons and their consequent torture. This criminal policy and practice by the Accused constitute Crimes against Humanity in violation of the Rome Statute establishing the I.C.C.

The United States is not a party to the Rome Statute. Nevertheless the Accused have ordered and been responsible for the commission of I.C.C. statutory crimes within the respective territories of many I.C.C. member states, including several in Europe. Consequently, the I.C.C. has jurisdiction to prosecute the Accused for their I.C.C. statutory crimes under Rome Statute article 12(2)(a) that affords the I.C.C. jurisdiction to prosecute for I.C.C. statutory crimes committed in I.C.C. member states.

The Complaint requests (1) that the I.C.C. Prosecutor open an investigation of the Accused on his own accord under Rome Statute article 15(1); and (2) that the I.C.C. Prosecutor also formally “submit to the [I.C.C.] Pre-Trial Chamber a request for authorization of an investigation” of the Accused under Rome Statute article 15(3).

For similar reasons, the Highest Level Officials of the Obama administration risk the filing of a follow-up Complaint with the I.C.C. if they do not immediately terminate the Accused’s criminal policy and practice of “extraordinary rendition,” which the Obama administration has continued to implement.

The Complaint concludes with a request that the I.C.C. Prosecutor obtain International Arrest Warrants for the Accused from the I.C.C. in accordance with Rome Statute articles 58(1)(a), 58(1)(b)(i), 58(1)(b)(ii), and 58(1)(b)(iii).

In order to demonstrate your support for this Complaint you can contact the I.C.C. Prosecutor by letter, fax, or email as indicated below.

Francis A. Boyle
Professor of International Law
Law Building
504 East Pennsylvania Avenue
Champaign, Illinois 61820
Phone: 217-333-7954
Fax: 217-244-1478

The Honorable Luis Moreno-Ocampo
Office of the Prosecutor
International Criminal Court
Post Office Box 19519
2500 CM, The Hague
The Netherlands
Fax No.: 31-70-515-8555

The Strength to Survive

This blog has been created for the purpose of connecting with survivors of extreme abuse. I, through the grace of God, have been fortunate where the level of personal survival is concerned. My story is very entrenched and complicated. It involves years of anguish and manipulation and pain. It will be difficult for the general public to believe that any finite being could survive kidnappings, being used as an experimentation victim and other inhumane acts of irreverence to the human body, wherein, consequently, the human spirit.

In this first composition, I won't get into the specific acts of abuse committed against me, but I will state, that one of the major assaults against me involved Mk-Ultra. If any one reading this page is not aware of this word, please Google~~MKULTRA~~, then inquire how you can help survivors of this horrendous and invasive actions against an intellectual property.

I look forward to communication with individuals who feel a sense of commitment to the community and society in which they live. I further am looking forward to communicating with those who consider themselves victims of extreme and criminal abuses of power.

I have personally found that survival starts from within. It starts with the knowledge that each human being has a value within space and time. I know and have experiences the stresses and pains of abandonment from those whom you loved and trusted. I have felt the loneliness and sense of having been forsaken which was caused by having been left friendless when I most needed a friend. I have survived in learning that true friendship starts with self respect and a determined spirit. Goodbye for now but I look forward to my next venture with this Blog.

Stay Faithful to your Dreams,